Baby Massage

I have a terrible cold. I feel just awful. Ron has a milder version and Ben is pretty stuffy too. Ben and I just sat on the couch and watched TV all morning because I didn't have the energy for anything else. I wash my hands every two seconds because I don't want to make Ben sick. I feel like wearing a surgeon's mask.

Ben seems to be doing well. He’s eating and sleeping fine and has his usual happy times. He smiles and babbles and blows bubbles now. He's a good baby.

Ron ran into some reverse sexism yesterday. God, I'm irritated. He signed himself and Ben up for a baby massage course on Wednesday mornings, where they teach all kind of techniques to calm babies. Anyway, the instructor acted like Ron was some sort of freak in a roomful of women. He comes home saying the instructor wants me to go too, because mothers have special hormones and instincts and God knows what else.

I personally don't see why I need to go. This is supposed to be a nice thing for Ron and Ben, plus it gives me time to do something for once. (The class is once a week for four weeks.) We thought Ron would learn the techniques, then teach me. He had to teach me how to swaddle and bathe the baby, as well as clean the cord stump when I could finally take care of him. Geez.
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Where's My Epiphany?

I'm not insane yet, but I'm working on it. Here I am, rocking my kid in Small City, USA, waiting for an epiphany. Everyone told me that "motherhood changes everything" and "you look at everything in a different way," that "nothing matters but the baby" and "you won't be able to imagine life without him." All admirable sentiments. And in my case, all a load of hooey.

Granted, motherhood changes a lot, but not everything. I'm still the cranky, opinionated, Snapple-slurping, self-indulgent, half-crazed woman I always was. Of course I'm crazy about my kid. A major cutie. Perfect physical speciman. Mental giant.

Maybe it's the sleep deprivation. Maybe next month I'll be using seven different soaps to bathe my kid and a special brush for his ears. For now, I dump some baby wash in some warm water, slop it all over the baby (and myself) and hope for the best. He seems to like it, anyway.

Ron has been amazing. My labor and delivery went beautifully, but I developed complications afterwards that kept me in the hospital for five days. Plus a half-dozen trips to women's triage afterwards. So I was not a happy camper, and Ron was the primary caregiver during that time. By the time I took over, many of the routines were set, and that's kept me from being too obsessive.

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Midnight Musings

Almost midnight. My lifelong status as a night owl is being sorely tested. I'm typing at the computer while Ben sleeps in his carseat: his bed of choice. Forget the cute bassinet or heirloom crib; he's happiest sitting in a plastic carseat on the floor.

My friend L. had the same situation with her first baby, who would only sleep in her swing. L. and her husband actually moved the swing into their bedroom and put her in it at night. Hey, whatever works.

Anyway, so Ben's in the carseat, padded by a special u-shaped pillow so his big ol' head doesn't flop around. Both the carseat and pillow come from my sister. Actually nearly everything Ben uses is either a hand-me-down or a baby shower gift. We're seriously doing this baby on the cheap. I dropped a couple hundred on baby supplies two weeks before he was born, and Ron surprised me with a gliding rocker when we came home from the hospital. That's it.

I've bought him exactly one outfit, all green and blue, which I found in the hospital gift shop after one of my visits to the emergency room. I haven’t even entered a Baby Gap.

But really, he does have cute clothes already, mostly gifts from family and friends. He's got sleepers with duck feet, jumpers with frogs and overalls with cows. And he looks adorable in everything, although perhaps I'm biased. Since we didn't know the gender until he was born, he's got a lot of green and yellow. Come this summer, I'll probably set him down on the lawn and be unable to find him.

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Shopping Spree

I went nuts at Meijer tonight. I left Ben with Ron and it felt good to be out without him (Evil Mom!). But then I spent an hour picking out things for him. I bought him a bib that said "I love Daddy," because he always wears his "Mommy's Little Boy" bib. I bought a cloth-and-rod shelving unit with little
cubbyholes for his clothes. Then I bought a bunch of picture frames. Then I bought a Big Mac at McDonald's. I felt I deserved it.

Mommy Angst

Last night was rough. I only slept three hours and had nightmares the whole time. I dreamed I was lost, I dreamed I couldn't park the Beetle, I dreamed I couldn't get on the right freeway. Then I dreamed I had no shirt on and coudn't find one. Then I dreamed about dead baby animals. It just went on and on.

Ben cried all morning and I couldn't eat anything until after noon. Then he went to sleep, finally. We slept for two hours and both felt much better.

Then Ben had his first official bath. (He’d just had sponge baths before.) I just put the infant bath seat on a towel on the bathroom floor. He seemed to like it; at least he didn't cry. I took pictures cuz he was so cute. Then I dressed him in his warmest sleeper and put a hat on him.

Giddy from the success of this first experiment, I decided to put him in the big baby swing for the first time. He looked a
little freaked out, but still game. Now he's asleep. I'm in the office now, with Ben swinging in the swing and the kitty sleeping on a chair beside him.