Benny and his friend Griffin at Ocean Beach in San Francisco.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Crazy Uncle Assembles Toddler Bed


Thank you for purchasing Little Kid Inc.’s Z240 Race Car toddler bed. This product is designed for easy assembly using common household tools.

1. Before assembling Little Kid’s patented metal supports, the enclosed 2-pound iron bars must be manufactured into a steel mesh and frame. (Smelting pot not included.) See enclosed pamphlet for instructions, safety guidelines and anti-pollution regulations.

2. Using your household blow torch (not included), weld the steel mesh onto the frame. Always use a federally approved blast helmet (not included) during this step. Be sure to clear the bed’s cardboard box out of the work area before welding. Do not use near curtains.

3. The four plastic parts comprising the Race Car toddler bed’s outer frame should snap together easily along the molded grooves. In the rare instance that the parts do not snap together easily, located a 2-ton elephant. (Not included, but they often gather at watering holes near dusk.) Train the elephant to sit on a plastic part as you attach the adjoining part. (Make sure the welded steel mesh has cooled before bringing in the elephant.)

4. Next, secure the plastic parts using the D34659 and EF693 screws. The D34659 can be easily distinguished from the EF693 screw by the crosshatching beneath the screw head. Use your household electron microscope (not included) for easy identification.

5. Drill the holes for the screws using a 1/7.5-inch drill bit. Your local hardware store will say there’s no such bit, but they lie. Use a 1/8-inch drill bit at your own risk.

Congratulations! You have now completed basic assembly of your Z240 Race Car toddler bed. Now it only remains to customize your child’s bed with kicky decals.

Carefully peel each sticker from the backing, making sure the sticker back does not touch your fingers, stray tools or overly humid air. A zero-gravity generator (not included) has proved helpful during this step.

Some mechanically inept customers have suggested using the wheel-rim decals to fasten the plastic frame, since once adhered, the stickers cannot be removed by anything short of a C4 plastic explosive (not included). We feel that such comments cheapen the loving, memorable experience of assembling your child’s precious bed. Please report any such comments by calling 1-800-65-LOSER.

Congratulations again! Your child will surely adore his or her new bed for the recommended six months of use. After this, Little Kids recommends its Bright Wheels Dump Truck older toddler bed for a new low price of $339.99.


No comments: