The drama continues at Benny’s playgroup as we face the loss of a cherished member. The other mothers are fighting complex feelings: Elation at Padme’s husband Darth’s great career move to Minnesota, but also a deep sadness at losing little Luke from our group.
At least that’s what I gather from recent emails. I can’t say I’m equally devastated, mostly because I can’t quite remember who Padme and Luke are. Is Padme the frazzled mother who arrives early to every playdate, awestruck by the host mother’s accomplishments? (“My God, you have a toy box! I wish I’d thought of that! We just shove our kid’s stuff under the sofa!”)
Perhaps Luke is the little boy who bites toys. Let’s be grateful he doesn’t bite other children, but it’s still weird to see a small toddler gnawing on a doll’s leg like it’s corn on the cob.
Well, no matter, because every member is precious, even Anny, who loves to send emails but never shows up anywhere. So one mother proposed the following:
___________________________________________________
Date: Wed, 18 May 2005 10:24:30
From: Leia@everthoughtful.com
To: Soon-to-be-Bereaved Playgroup
Subject: Padme and Luke
We could each do a page in a small photo album like a mini scrapbook. I have scrapbooking supplies so I can bring them to an upcoming playdate...or maybe we can even organize an evening to meet and put together the album. I was also thinking about the book, "M is for Mitten". It's about Michigan and we could all write a message from the kids to Lukey.
Leia
___________________________________________________
This idea was pounced on with great enthusiasm exactly 11 minutes later.
___________________________________________________
Date: Wed, 18 May 2005 10:35:30
From: Mona@alsothoughtful.com
To: Grief-Stricken Playgroup
Subject: Re: Padme and Luke
Oh yes, but I am worried about how quickly that is coming up, so am wondering if maybe people want to start getting their pictures together and mail them to Leia to put in a album if we can't find a time to all meet?
We could also each write a little note that is the size of a picture on a nice piece of paper and that way it could either go into a mini-scrapbook if we can pull it off or be put right into the photo sleeve of an album.
Mona
___________________________________________________
And you know, of course, what the notes will be like. They’ll resemble the group birthday cards you get at the office, the big ones with all the little messages scribbled inside. Most workers don’t even need to sign their names anymore, because they always write the same thing to every recipient: “Way to go!” or “One more year ’til death!”
I bet I could write up a fake card for Padme and Luke and nobody would know the difference:
“Good Luck!”
“We’ll all miss you!”
“Sorry about the grape juice Sammy poured on your cat!”
But anyway …
___________________________________________________
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 2005 22:02:36
From: Leia@.lotsotime.com
To: Grief-Stricken Playgroup
Subject: Scrapbook night for Padme
Ok...I have the scrapbook for Padme. The size of the pages is 8.5 x 8.5. So, if you'd like to put your own page(s) together just make sure it's not too big. Also, if you can't make it to my house next Tuesday you can give your pictures to someone at Playgroup or send them to me at 823 Duck Waddle Way.
___________________________________________________
Now it’s all over, thank goodness. The scrapbook was created and duly presented, prompting a lovely thank you email from Padme.
I feel a little guilty for ignoring the whole thing, but I doubt Padme cared. If my name ever came out, she probably thought, “Christine … hmmm … is she the woman with the hooded sweatshirts and the napkin fetish or the gal with the pink sunglasses and the nervous twitch? … and is Benny the one who's prone to creepy rashes or allergic to oxygen? …”
##
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Crazy Uncle Assembles Toddler Bed
ASSEMBLY INSTRUCTIONS
Thank you for purchasing Little Kid Inc.’s Z240 Race Car toddler bed. This product is designed for easy assembly using common household tools.
1. Before assembling Little Kid’s patented metal supports, the enclosed 2-pound iron bars must be manufactured into a steel mesh and frame. (Smelting pot not included.) See enclosed pamphlet for instructions, safety guidelines and anti-pollution regulations.
2. Using your household blow torch (not included), weld the steel mesh onto the frame. Always use a federally approved blast helmet (not included) during this step. Be sure to clear the bed’s cardboard box out of the work area before welding. Do not use near curtains.
3. The four plastic parts comprising the Race Car toddler bed’s outer frame should snap together easily along the molded grooves. In the rare instance that the parts do not snap together easily, located a 2-ton elephant. (Not included, but they often gather at watering holes near dusk.) Train the elephant to sit on a plastic part as you attach the adjoining part. (Make sure the welded steel mesh has cooled before bringing in the elephant.)
4. Next, secure the plastic parts using the D34659 and EF693 screws. The D34659 can be easily distinguished from the EF693 screw by the crosshatching beneath the screw head. Use your household electron microscope (not included) for easy identification.
5. Drill the holes for the screws using a 1/7.5-inch drill bit. Your local hardware store will say there’s no such bit, but they lie. Use a 1/8-inch drill bit at your own risk.
Congratulations! You have now completed basic assembly of your Z240 Race Car toddler bed. Now it only remains to customize your child’s bed with kicky decals.
Carefully peel each sticker from the backing, making sure the sticker back does not touch your fingers, stray tools or overly humid air. A zero-gravity generator (not included) has proved helpful during this step.
Some mechanically inept customers have suggested using the wheel-rim decals to fasten the plastic frame, since once adhered, the stickers cannot be removed by anything short of a C4 plastic explosive (not included). We feel that such comments cheapen the loving, memorable experience of assembling your child’s precious bed. Please report any such comments by calling 1-800-65-LOSER.
Congratulations again! Your child will surely adore his or her new bed for the recommended six months of use. After this, Little Kids recommends its Bright Wheels Dump Truck older toddler bed for a new low price of $339.99.
##
Thank you for purchasing Little Kid Inc.’s Z240 Race Car toddler bed. This product is designed for easy assembly using common household tools.
1. Before assembling Little Kid’s patented metal supports, the enclosed 2-pound iron bars must be manufactured into a steel mesh and frame. (Smelting pot not included.) See enclosed pamphlet for instructions, safety guidelines and anti-pollution regulations.
2. Using your household blow torch (not included), weld the steel mesh onto the frame. Always use a federally approved blast helmet (not included) during this step. Be sure to clear the bed’s cardboard box out of the work area before welding. Do not use near curtains.
3. The four plastic parts comprising the Race Car toddler bed’s outer frame should snap together easily along the molded grooves. In the rare instance that the parts do not snap together easily, located a 2-ton elephant. (Not included, but they often gather at watering holes near dusk.) Train the elephant to sit on a plastic part as you attach the adjoining part. (Make sure the welded steel mesh has cooled before bringing in the elephant.)
4. Next, secure the plastic parts using the D34659 and EF693 screws. The D34659 can be easily distinguished from the EF693 screw by the crosshatching beneath the screw head. Use your household electron microscope (not included) for easy identification.
5. Drill the holes for the screws using a 1/7.5-inch drill bit. Your local hardware store will say there’s no such bit, but they lie. Use a 1/8-inch drill bit at your own risk.
Congratulations! You have now completed basic assembly of your Z240 Race Car toddler bed. Now it only remains to customize your child’s bed with kicky decals.
Carefully peel each sticker from the backing, making sure the sticker back does not touch your fingers, stray tools or overly humid air. A zero-gravity generator (not included) has proved helpful during this step.
Some mechanically inept customers have suggested using the wheel-rim decals to fasten the plastic frame, since once adhered, the stickers cannot be removed by anything short of a C4 plastic explosive (not included). We feel that such comments cheapen the loving, memorable experience of assembling your child’s precious bed. Please report any such comments by calling 1-800-65-LOSER.
Congratulations again! Your child will surely adore his or her new bed for the recommended six months of use. After this, Little Kids recommends its Bright Wheels Dump Truck older toddler bed for a new low price of $339.99.
##
Thursday, June 02, 2005
I Gotta Quit Reading the Classics
Well, Ron, Benny and I are living in Limbo right now. It’s not Dante’s Limbo in Hell, where ancient heroes and poets spend Eternity, but it’s almost as bad.
Actually, Dante’s Limbo seems preferable right now; I could chug wine with Homer and Hercules, listening to the conversation: “Hey, Virgil, how’s it hanging?” and “Odysseus, you old fox, how come you always get the best table?” and “Tell us about the hemlock again, Socrates, you know you love it.”
Obviously, I’ve been reading Dante too much. I’ve emerged from “Inferno” and plodded through “Purgatory” and now I have to face “Paradise.” I don’t know if I have the strength. I read this dumb translation of “Purgatory” where everything has to rhyme. It’s like reading the Bible as a series of limericks: “The Void was empty and bleak/Until God made the world in a week …”
I never knew much about Purgatory, although I was raised Catholic. I would describe it as a Hell With Hope, where the mediocre faithful suffer for hundreds of years before ascending to Heaven. Virgil, out on loan from Hell, leads Dante up the mountain, pointing out all those poor bastards and obsessively tracking the sun’s placement in the sky. At the end, Virgil vanishes, Dante bursts into tears, then is verbally pimp-slapped by the glorious St. Beatrice for all his sins. She represents Divine Love by the way. Shudder.
But back to our Limbo. We’re considering moving out of state, and a move of that magnitude affects everything. I can’t make routine pediatrician appointments or respond to wedding invitations. I can’t buy a CD without asking myself, “Is this one Nickelback song worth the extra three ounces on a U-Haul?”
Off topic: The biggest, fattest raccoon I’ve ever seen just walked onto our deck. It’s enormous. Our cat Callisto is crouched on her kitty condo, prepared to pounce if our glass door magically disappears. Frankly, I think Callisto should be very grateful for that door.
PORTRAIT UPDATE: Avid readers of this diary will remember the April 19 entry about Benny's second portrait sitting. (If you haven't read it, you should. There's lots of good stuff about soap bubbles and a coal mine.)
I'm happy to report that Benny's pictures turned out very cute. He's looking over his shoulder with a happy grin and no one would know he'd just spent 20 minutes screaming bloody murder. The studio tried to sell me some sheets of a second picture, with a red-faced Benny cackling in a strongly psychotic way.
##
Actually, Dante’s Limbo seems preferable right now; I could chug wine with Homer and Hercules, listening to the conversation: “Hey, Virgil, how’s it hanging?” and “Odysseus, you old fox, how come you always get the best table?” and “Tell us about the hemlock again, Socrates, you know you love it.”
Obviously, I’ve been reading Dante too much. I’ve emerged from “Inferno” and plodded through “Purgatory” and now I have to face “Paradise.” I don’t know if I have the strength. I read this dumb translation of “Purgatory” where everything has to rhyme. It’s like reading the Bible as a series of limericks: “The Void was empty and bleak/Until God made the world in a week …”
I never knew much about Purgatory, although I was raised Catholic. I would describe it as a Hell With Hope, where the mediocre faithful suffer for hundreds of years before ascending to Heaven. Virgil, out on loan from Hell, leads Dante up the mountain, pointing out all those poor bastards and obsessively tracking the sun’s placement in the sky. At the end, Virgil vanishes, Dante bursts into tears, then is verbally pimp-slapped by the glorious St. Beatrice for all his sins. She represents Divine Love by the way. Shudder.
But back to our Limbo. We’re considering moving out of state, and a move of that magnitude affects everything. I can’t make routine pediatrician appointments or respond to wedding invitations. I can’t buy a CD without asking myself, “Is this one Nickelback song worth the extra three ounces on a U-Haul?”
Off topic: The biggest, fattest raccoon I’ve ever seen just walked onto our deck. It’s enormous. Our cat Callisto is crouched on her kitty condo, prepared to pounce if our glass door magically disappears. Frankly, I think Callisto should be very grateful for that door.
PORTRAIT UPDATE: Avid readers of this diary will remember the April 19 entry about Benny's second portrait sitting. (If you haven't read it, you should. There's lots of good stuff about soap bubbles and a coal mine.)
I'm happy to report that Benny's pictures turned out very cute. He's looking over his shoulder with a happy grin and no one would know he'd just spent 20 minutes screaming bloody murder. The studio tried to sell me some sheets of a second picture, with a red-faced Benny cackling in a strongly psychotic way.
##
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