Danger, Danger Everywhere

I've just about had it with women's magazines. Women’s magazine editors believe their readerships want to do four things:

1. Buy stuff.
2. Lose weight.
3. Learn the little-known dangers of peanut butter or post-it notes.
4. Absorb kicky household and parenting tips to amaze family and friends.

Parenting magazines are the worst, especially about No. 3. Good Mothers always disinfect their babies’ pacifiers in special space-age modules (See No. 1) and conduct a 10-point inspection of a playground before use. (“Inspect concrete bases of swing structure, allowing for 20 pounds of pressure per cubic …”)

Actually, that stuff doesn’t bother me much. I just like to gripe. What really upsets me are The Horrific Disorders Lurking in Your Child features. Sometimes its just pinhead mothers writing to ask, “My 1-year-old has a round tummy. Could it be cystic fibrosis?” The rest sound like this:

MOTHER’S INSTINCT SAVES CHILD

Wykker Barnes seemed a perfectly healthy child until age
(INSERT YOUR CHILD’S AGE HERE)

But then Wykker’s mother noticed that her child
(INSERT A COMMON HABIT OF YOUR CHILD’S)

The pediatrician said it was
(INSERT MUNDANE REASON FOR THE HABIT)

But Wykker’s mother had a feeling. “I knew my child,” she said. So she took Wykker to a round of specialists who finally diagnosed the child with
(INSERT HORRIFYING DISORDER HERE)

Now Wykker must wear swimming goggles and a full body cast whenever the barometer reads 29 or above. “We pray every day that Wykker will be able to lead a normal life,” Mrs. Barnes says.

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