Benny and his friend Griffin at Ocean Beach in San Francisco.

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Elizabeth's 30th Birthday FAQ



A: That is correct. If she was a Galapagos land tortoise, she'd just be a baby. If she was a box turtle, she'd still be a teenager. If she was a Egyptian camel, she'd be middle-aged, and if she was a blue-spotted grouper fish, she'd be dead.

Q: What is the best way to celebrate ELIZABETH'S 30TH BIRTHDAY?

A: In today's uncertain times, all celebrations for ELIZABETH'S 30TH BIRTHDAY must be approved by the Anti-Birthday Terrorism League of Omaha, Neb. Proposed celebrations must be submitted in writing no later than Oct. 8, 2000. The ABT League is currently accepting proposals for Elizabeth's 40th birthday, which ought to be a real hoot.

Q: What if I never submitted a proposal for ELIZABETH'S 30TH BIRTHDAY?

A: Unauthorized celebrations will be prosecuted by the ABT League and the illegal participants will be
punished after a closed hearing following 90 days of detention. Flagrant abuses will result in an exile to Berrien County, Mich.

Q: What is the spiritual significance of ELIZABETH'S

A: This event was prophesied in 1200 B.C. An ancient prophet preached of a cataclysmic event on Oct. 8, 2002, shrouding the world in darkness and boiling away the seas. He pointed out that the name "Elizabeth" has nine letters, which corresponds to the nine planets. This indicates a dark future for Elizabeth on a cosmic scale.

Q: Doesn't the name "Christine" also have nine letters?

A: Shut up.

Q: Didn't they only know about seven planets in 1200 B.C.?

A: I said, shut up.

Q: So why haven't the seas started bubbling yet?

A: Yesterday, an astronomer announced a new object he discovered orbiting the sun. This throws the prophecies out of alignment and prompts scholars to concentrate on women with October birthdays named Antoinette.

Q: Is this lousy FAQ all that Elizabeth will receive for ELIZABETH'S 30TH BIRTHDAY?

A: Certainly not. She will likely be honored at the combined birthday celebration in the SFBT conference room. That is, if no one has stolen her birthday card.


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