Labor Weirdness (Not For the Faint of Heart)

When Benny was born, my labor and delivery went very well, but I did a few goofy things.

I was induced on Jan. 29. The next morning, after a few hours of strong contractions, they put me on morphine, which made me feel itchy all over.

"How do addicts do this?" I asked the nurse. "I could never be a morphine addict, the itching would drive me nuts. Maybe I could get addicted to something else. Does cocaine make you itchy? What about heroin?"

I just went on and on, naming everything from angel dust to cocoa beans. The nurse just stared, she didn't know what to say.

Then a hospital staff member entered and asked me to be part of an epidural study. I was given a paper slide rule with a smiley face on one end and a frowny face on the other. I was told to position the gauge to reflect how much pain I felt.

The first thing I did was push the gauge next to the frowny face. Then I said I didn't want to be part of the study.

After the staffer left, I told my husband, "Gee, that guy must have been really disappointed." Ron rolled his eyes. "That was a woman, honey," he said.

Then I started calling the nurse by my husband's name. ("You're a really big help, Ron.") When I saw it irritated my husband, I did it some more.

After Ben was born, I tried to distract myself during recovery by babbling about my journalism career and the job I used to have in California. I talked about the newspaper's circulation, editorial stance, the subjects covered, major stories I edited. I even tried to name all 45 newspapers owned by its parent chain. Ron just patted my hand, gave me updates on our son, and corrected me whenever I made a mistake. ("Honey, they don't own the Chicago paper. That's Crain's.)

The doctors must have thought I was nuts.


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Benjamin L. Signs with the Tigers

GUESS WHERE, Mich. -- Benjamin Andrew L. signed a lifetime contract with the Detroit Tigers baseball team today after nine months of negotiations with his agents, his mother, Christine K., and father, Ron L.

Although Ben has no batting, pitching or fielding statistics, he bulked up over the past nine months to reach 8 pounds, 3 ounces, and he grew to 20.5 inches at birth, at 11:53 p.m. Friday, Jan. 30.

Hordes of reporters assembled at University of Guess Where Hospital, and the departure of Benjamin and his mother from the hospital was delayed until the early afternoon of the following Wednesday.

Christine had some minor complications but now is continuing her recovery at home, according to sources who requested anonymity ... and received it.

"I'm thrilled," Christine said about Benjamin's birth and his subsequent signing with Detroit. "But I thought the Tigers were a minor-league team."

The future All-Star will play multiple positions at the same time for the Tigers. "We could use the help," Manager Alan Trammell said. "We've been waiting for someone like 'Big Ben' for a long time."

Terms of the contract were not disclosed. But ESPN reported that Benjamin received a signing bonus that included several bottles of ready-to-feed Similac formula and stuffed toys.

The youngest-ever pro sports prospect (the previous record holder was a 7-year-old girl signed last year by the Cleveland Cavaliers NBA team) has asked for his own lounge chair and a locker away from his other teammates.

"Waaa-hhhh. Waaa-hhhh. Oogh. Oogh. Waaa-hhhh," Benjamin said at a news conference, sounding much like his father during tense newsroom times.

Benologists -- out of work Kremlinologists -- took that quote to mean that Benjamin was happy to sign with the Tigers but did not want to be nicknamed "Pudge."

Callisto, the wonder kitty, who observers feared would be threatened by the introduction of a teammate to the household, was seen nudging Benjamin with her nose and brushing her tail across Benjamin's face.

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